Beautiful · Mistake

Where has my life gone? Almost 20 and I still can't face rejection. Still can't stand to fail. So instead, I think about all the things I have to do, but instead of doing them, I think of reasons for not doing them. Like, I work too much, I don't (and won't) ever have the money. Then there's him. I've pretty much given him my heart...again, and i've gotten it stomped on..again. But I always go back to him. When he asks me to come over, I all but jump. I beg him to let me come see him. He's still dating her. It should bug me, stop me froming doing what we do, but it doesn't. For that hour, that twenty minutes, he's mine. I almost cried that last time. It was hard knowing that he doesn't want me that way, and yet I  long for him. I know he would cheat, that's what he does, but it doesn't stop me from asking if we can be together. There is another one too. We haven't dated, we barely talk. He would be bad for me, he would take my addictive personality to new heights. But how I want him. Everytime I see him, I think of us together. Riding around in his old car, polluting our lungs with the smoke from our bowl.

I am now moved out of my mom's house and into the apartment with Justin. Let me now say what is wrong with the place. First off, when we moved in it was disgusting. The guy that lived there before us must have never cleaned...anything! And he didn't even clean out the fridge when he let, it was gross. Our shower has no handle, we have to use plier things for now to turn it on, and there is a huge hole in our closet because of the shower. The landlord said that he called the plumber to get a new handle for the shower, but the plumber hasnt called him back yet. Lovely. And, I have no idea when the hole in our closet will be fixed. Max tried to jump in it today and ended up almost hurting himself. Oh, and we have no furniture for the living room, no cable, no computer. My mom told me that once we get furniture it will feel more like home. I hope. And the landlord still hasn't taken the cheque out for first and last months rent. I'm wondering if I dated it wrong.

I'm not sure how I feel about Justin anymore. I don't want to break up with him or anything, i'm just not sure whether I love him or not. Our relationship has moved quite quickly, and i'm wondering if I just thought I was in love. I don't want to hurt him either, I just need time to think right now.

Still no job. I had an interview a couple of weeks ago, and that's about it. I applied to three places this week, but haven't heard anything back yet. I think the reason I am so down lately is because I have way too much time on my hands. I did laundry today. One load took me about 2 hours to do, because of the one pair of pants in it, they didn't want to dry. Now, I am over at my mom's, or what I think of as home. I have cried everyday since we moved...and I cried even before we moved. it didn't help when my mom started crying last week, or when she told me on Monday that she had cried that night. I feel bad for moving out, and I feel like I abandoned my dog Sheila. Although I live about a 5 minute walk away. That's why I come home everyday, plus it gives me something to do other than sitting at the apartment by myself. Even though i'm here alone, at least there is a TV and the computer. I mostly come here just to see Sheila and to let her know I haven't forgotten about her. I'm sure she doesn't really care though. 

I'm so worried about money too. But I won't be when I get a job. But if I don't get by the end of the month i'm going to call welfare, to go on it until I have a job. Although i'm ashamed to say I might go on welfare. Not saying that I look down on people that are on it or anything, I just never thought I would need it.

Well I guess that's it for now, and I should be heading back over to our crypt. Maybe I will take a nap. Or do more laundy, or read or watch a movie. Since that's about all I can do there. If I go insane, I won't be surprised.

I LOVE KIM!

I think i'm in love. No, I know I am. Well, I haven't ever loved a guy before, so I don't exactly know what it feels like. But, I know I haven't ever felt this way about a guy before. I feel like I could spend the rest of my life with him. Honestly. We are pretty much perfect for each other. He just gets me. He gets my sarcasm, he understands about my cutting (ok, sure it bugs him, but he knows that I won't stop until i'm ready to), he's there for me when I cry, even if it's just on the phone. And we don't fight. Well, haha, except for when we play video games, then we like yell at each other, but it's only ever about the game, and we know we're only yelling cause we are so into the game. No really, it's true. It's something you would have to see. My brother said we fight alot, but guess what we were doing at the time? Playing video games! When it's just me and him and we are just cuddling and watching TV in my room, it's like perfect. Unless he says something stupid or I say something stupid, (which we all know is hardly ever). And I do get annoyed sometimes, but hey, it's Steph here, it's like, part of my personality or something. Anyways, I just really think he's "the one." Yes, i'm aware that i'm only 19, but, I can't explain it, that's all there is to it.

On the other hand, and this contradicts the feeling mentioned above, but I knew that feeling before this started to happen. I feel completely numb. Not like my body, but my feelings, emotions etc. I cut, and it means nothing to me. Even less than normal, I just look at them and feel absolutely nothing. The other night my boyfriend played a really mean joke on me, one that, a couple of months ago would have made me started bawling my eyes out within seconds, and I hardly cried at all, and it took a long time too. I was more upset that he was keeping me awake. I say "I love you" to my mom, dog, cat, boyfriend, friends, and I feel like I don't know what it is to love someone anymore. It's like I say them, but the actually feeling behind it, just isn't there anymore. I don't know how to explain it, but i'll try. When I used to tell my mom I loved her, I would get this feeling inside, that I would get whenever  I said it, and now that feeling is gone. It's like they are just three words i'm saying, with no significance at all. All I know is that it's weird. I can't cry, I hardly laugh, I hardly smile. My face shows no more emotion like it used to. It's like a blank slate. Maybe I have just started to become so...hard inside. Nothing really bothers me anymore, not people calling me names, not when I cut, not when I can't sleep. I cut and the pain is abscent. More than usual. It's like i'm cutting someone else. I don't know if i'm depressed or not. The only things that get any response out of me, is my songs. I might cry over a song that actually has a meaning to it. But who am I crying for? 'Cause i'm pretty sure i'm not crying for me anymore. 

My life is at a stand-still. No job, and I am applying places, but it really isn't bugging me anymore. I get up and do the same thing everyday. Eat, have a bath, read, play a game, watching TV, talk to my boyfriend on the phone, go to sleep. Next morning it begins again. How boring. Yet, i'm not bored. It's like i'm only half conscious. I see what's going on around me, I talk when i'm talked to and sometimes will just throw my two cents out there, but it's like another part of my brain isn't there. Maybe it's withdrawn into itself for the moment, i'm not sure. All I know is that it's not all of me waking up in the morning, or talking to my family or even writing this. I don't even get what's going on to me anymore. I applied to a place today, and I really hope I get it, because it's at a store that I really like. I bought my niece an x-mas gift, and figured out what i'm buying for the other people in my life. My boyfriend is coming over tomorrow for the weekend. We are going to look at an apartment around my place for him to move into. I know I will eventually move in with him, but not yet. We have been dating almost two months now. It feels like more than that though, but not in a bad way. Just in a way that means we are really comfy around one another.

Well, with what's been going on recently, I guess it's time that I made my post, because everyone involved can see it. The other morning I was asked about my feelings for someone that was a mutual friend of Kim's and mine. I had met him through Kim. I told her that we were friends, that was it. She asked me about me and him being "friends with benefits" because apparently he had told a friend of his, that we might become just that. Wow, there's so many things that I need to say, and I don't know what order to put them in.

Ok, first off, me and this guy "M" had just recently started to talk on MSN, Facebook, fad things like that. Honestly, I went into that relationship only wanting to be friends, regardless of what I might have said jokingly to Kim when "M" and I first actually met. The key thing here is that, when I asked about a sexual relationship with him, I had been JOKING! I know that sometimes it's hard to tell when i'm joking, but i'm clearing that up now. Anyways, "M" and I started talking, and he would talk sexual to me, tell me how beautiful I was etc. etc. Honestly, most of the time I thought he was just kidding about having sex with me, as he's in his 30's and i'm only 18 (only til October though). Yes, perhaps I should have made it known that I thought he was kidding, but really, by the things I said in response to his talk usually were such things as "lol" "haha" and "oooh" because I was taking it as a joke. I never had any sexual interest in this man, not because i'm shallow, but because YES, i'm dealing with me own "issues" right now, and honestly don't need someone with there own drama being that close to me. 

Secondly, "M" decided to tell his friend, of around the same age i'm guessing, that him and I may be fuck friends, if he was lucky. So, this friend of his decided that he would send me a "random" hello on Facebook. Funny, this hello only came after "M" told him the fuck buddy thing. Now, all of a sudden this guy is wanting to get to know me? I don't think so. Yes, I could be jumping to conclusions that he just wanted in my pants, but the timing really tells me otherwise. He messages Kim about it, and Kim tells him basically to stay the fuck away from me because I don't need him on top of my issues. He takes it upon himself to read my LJ (yes i'm well aware that this is public) and say that yes, I do have a shit load of issues. Actually, what he said was more along the lines as "yes, I read her LJ, she does have issues...wow." Well, I loved how he just took it upon himself to judge me from some posts in my LJ, most of which are OVER a year old. Yes, I have a mental illness, it's called depression, it's not the apocolypse here, other people do suffer from it. Yes, I am suicidal, I haven't tried in a long time, but to me I am still suicidal. Again, not that rare. Yes, I have cut in the past. Not the best way to deal with things, but sorry, i'm not perfect. Really, to sum this all up, I just did not appreciate this man messaging me on Facebook, and I certainly DID NOT appreciate what he said about me having issues.

Yes folks, there is more to this lovely tale i'm telling. Kim, being my best friend all, took it upon herself to tell "M" to stay away from me, in a sexual sense. She told him that I would not beable to cope with the type of relationship that would come along with the sex. She told me everything she was going to say to him, and I did approve of it, as she was looking out for me. Did she have selfish intentions as well? Was Kim also telling him not to have pursue a sexual relationship with me because she and "M" had just broken up? Yes, she could have very well been doing that. BUT, she has a right too, as they have just broken up, and I am her best friend. I mean, I would do the exact same thing in this situation. I also think that she was protecting me though. She told me she was, and I really feel that she was, and she was looking out for everyone in the situation, not just me, not just her, not just "M". Honestly, I think she had the right to say and do what she did. She knows "M" better than I know him, and she knows me better than he does. I trust her decision. Now, I do realize I said she may have had selfish intentions in what she was saying to "M". No, I don't believe thats the soul reason she told him to stay away from me, from what I have known her to say about my past relationships with guys, I KNOW for a FACT, that she was looking out for me more than she was thinking about her own feelings. Well, safe to say "M" did not like what she said at all, told her that it was up to him and I to do what we wanted. So I told him not once, not twice, but THREE times that I thought he was kidding with his sexual sayings. Apparently, for the rare time in my life, I was being subtle. Only after I told him that he creeped me out did he start to get it. Do you think he full understood that I was saying I didn't want sex from him? Of course not. I had to get bitchy with him about it, and tell him that that's not what I wanted, not what I was looking for etc. etc. So now he thinks i'm not going to talk  to him anymore and stuff. Fine, whatever people can think what they think.

I feel bad about this situation. I feel that i'm the reason that the friendship between Kim and "M" ended. I feel that if he had not been saying these things to me, or I had realized before hand that he wasn't joking, I could have prevented the end of their friendship. Where do I ultimately stand on this subject? I'm taking Kim's side. I knew what she said to "M" before she said it, and I pretty much gave her the "okay" to go about saying it. So if anyone is to blame here, it's me, not Kim.

I'm really down, again. I don't have a job yet, and yes i'm applying places. I really wanted to have a job as soon as I  got out of school (which was on Monday) but obviously that didn't happen. I pretty much have no friends, a few that I rarely see and that's it. Oh, and this one friend, but people can't know that we're friends in case it gets back to his girlfriend. I don't have this group of friends that  I hang out with on a regularly basis, and I want that! So, i'm pretty much a loner  now. I have a boyfriend that I hardly get to see because of his parents and shit. My fault for dating someone younger than me, and yet I can't help but like him. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, well, I have ideas, but not one that I really really want to do. I do want to go to college or something, but I need to choose a program that I like, and that's what i'm struggling with at the moment. So lets look at my life at the moment, I have no money, no job, no friends, no life. Wow, I never thought my life would lead to this. Now on to my depression. I have no idea why I am depressed all the time. Yes, the things i just listed are factors that get me down, but you would think I would be able to get over them. Which I actually kind of have, i'm doing what I can to change them. But I still just want to cry all the time, I still just want to sleep all the time. I think about killing myself more and more lately, which is something I did not want  to get back into. I'm just waiting for the day I get back into cutting, i'm trying really hard not to go down that road again, but there is only so much I can take. I feel that my antidepressants aren't working, but my doctor thinks that I would be worse if I wasn't on anything, which I disagree with. She says she has seen me worse, like two years ago, and i'm thinking to myself "lady are you not listening to me NOW? are you not hearing that i'm miserable all the time NOW?" Whatever, hopefully she gets it soon. Oh, but she did up my sleep-aid. I don't know if it's really so I can sleep better, or if she is still stuck on the idea that if I sleep better at night, I will be in a better mood during the day. Doubtful, but i'm going along with it for now, plus I like sleeping. I got my hair cut, that's probably the best thing to happen to me lately. Not even finishing highschool has got me excited, it just means I actually have to start figuring out what I want to do with the rest of my life.

UGH
why?
yeah so shit always happens to me
im definatly moving the fuck away from here
new guys, new friends
sure i'll keep a few of my old friends,
probably only the guys,
since there the only ones,
who havent let me down.
ever.
but then im gone
im not sure when
probably in a year or two.
but all i know
is im getting the fuck away from here
forever..
and i wont even fucking look back at all
never.

I hung out with Jes yestarday and for a bit today
We got piercings!
I got my nose and monroe
My mouth is super swollen
It looks like i got stung by a bee
But its hot.
So my nose ring came out in the middle of the night,
Last night.
But it went back in
Ha it was so awesome
I Took Jes's flash light
And looked for it in her bed
And she woke up and asked what i was looking for
I said my nose ring
She was like "are you serious"
Uhhuh i was!!
Now i cant get my new ring for my nose in
And i hope it doesnt fall out..
Again
Fil is coming over today!
Yay!
I havent seen him in over a week
I got a new DVD player for my room
YAY!!

woo
so me and jes are hanging out on march break!!
and maybe this saturday!
im so fucking excited cause i havent seen her..in forever!
my ex boyfriend threatened me
thats right
i know how to pick em!!
OOOH so im totally happy
HAPPY!!
but im not saying why..
its a secret!!
its almost march break yo!
im a gangsta!!
lol anyways
i shall go to school..soon...
AHH!
i get to see him
HIM!! *hearts*

i wish i could say that i was happier since the last post, but alas i cannot. i had my councelling and all that this week. it was good, i am always happy when im there with my councellor. but then when i come back out in to reality, its like wow. why is my life even worth living? i know i promised michelle i wouldnt do it, but its becoming a harder thing to promise people. i dont even like to promise them, its just they dont shut up about it if i dont. so thats the only think that makes me go "ok ok i promise i wont do anything" EHHH wrong. i dont promise you people that im not going to do anything. you dont have to live this life do you? you dont have to wake up in the morning wishing that you wouldn't of. so you cant possibly know what its like, and to make me stay here for your own selfish reasons while i wallow in misery..oh yes..thats fair. maybe when you actually get what im going through, you'll understand why i cant possibly stand to be here anymore. or maybe not, but im sick of staying just to make people happy..DO I SEEM HAPPY TO YOU? yeah you may be happy that im still here...BUT IM NOT! big surprise there..

Well, this was probably one of the better weekends i had. yestarday i talked to the guy i like for like..8 hours or something..which was so awesome! friday night was fine too...me and michelle had this awesome talk and stuff and we decided we were going to go to a hotel and jsut spend a weekend just the two of us..since we both want to get away from our lives but dont wanna be alone and we know that if we went wiht each other we could just sit around and do nothing...and be comfortable. work was boring! but then i came home and talked to the guy..i like. so it was ok. today i slept most of the day. it was good too. now im talking to the guy i like..again! ha i need a life though. tomorrow i have a doctors appointment..yay! NOT..what i get to go back and tell her that shit has just gotten worse? and to say that her brillant idea to put me on 2 meds didnt work? ooh wow i wonder how tahts going to turn out. sigh..i guess i shouldnt complain about my life. i havent cut in like almost a month! im so happy about that!

AHA! so i like this guy..that goes to my schoolish! Now, hes not like any other guy i have shall i say..liked?..seriously! He has an IQ in the double digits! He's almost 2 years younger than me..but in grade11..cause thats just how smart the kid is! Now, im not sure if he likes me or not, which sucks, because hes so nice and a guy that i think i would actually be happy to spend time with. sigh...

its as if my body is dieing. not me just my shell of a body. i have had a cold since the long weekend, and its not going away. i now have a cornea infection from wearing contacts. not like thats going to stop me from wearing them though. i just cant wear them for like 2 weeks. or more. im getting glasses again. i told me mom that im going to get a brain tumor next with the way im going. its been over a month for me and kyle now!! almost a month and a half!! for our one month he got my this charm thats 2 dolphins in the shape of a heart. its really cute and i love him. he told me he loves me and really means it. and he told me that the reason it took so long for him to say it was because he wanted to really mean it. and i believe that he does. im still afraid that hes going to cheat on me. but he says he wont. i wanna believe that he wont, i really do. but i just dont wanna get hurt again. i have so much to lose right now, its nice knowing that i have so much that could be gone, but it makes me sad. but for now im just happy. really happy. excluding the fact that my health is bad..

melissa is moving away
i just lost my best friend
me, kyle and melissa got into a car accident

ugh
seriously
i hate people and there jealousy
meghan is jealous cause im dating kyle
so is this other girl i dont know
i mean, kyle liked krista for a long time
and she didnt ever do anything about it
i know at first that kyle just wanted a piece
from me, or anyone else
but then he got to know me
and i guess he really started to like me then
now we are going out
but if he liked meghan that way he would have asked her out right?
and as for krista well i dunno
shes friends with tamara and shes mad at lyle because he likes kyles sister brandi
and i love her!
shes so nice and really good for him
and lyle was telling me that
out of meghan, krista and me,
im the best one for kyle
why?
im not really sure
i think its cause
ok i dont know, i'll have to ask lyle that one
last night i was like crying with lyle for about 30 mins
he was just like holding me while i cried
he told me that meghan and kinda brandi too think im a slut
because me and kyle were in his bedroom
with the door locked and closed
while they sat outside
omg guess what we were doing?
CUDDLING!! and omg we kissed and made out
kinda
while watching a movie
he did ask if i had a condom
and i said no
he didnt have one either
he asked if he should go ask lyle for one
i said no
its only been like...4 days
anyways he just called
im going over to hang out with him now

Buddy my other hamster died, i loved him ever though i didnt show it..and i cried last night for a while..i miss him and i dont even know when he died..i buried him last night also..so im sad...there both gone...i love you guys!